- To the lady who nearly knocked me down as I exited the hotel elevator yesterday: Now, I know elevators can be incredibly tricky and perhaps they make you anxious. Even if suffering from some underlying phobia drives you to foresake common courtesy, think about practicality. There simply isn’t enough room for everybody who wants to get off and everybody who wants to get on to be there at the same time, so wait till I get off before you get on. It’s really simple. Just wait. No need to smile or exchange pleasantries. Just wait and while you’re at it stand far enough back to give me room to walk by you without being forced to count the pores on your face. Less than two seconds is all it takes. It’s not going to make you late and if it does, you should have left earlier in the first place. And if I happen to be carrying a cup of something liquid that spills when you bump me in your frantic rush to board, say excuse me.
GROCERY STORE MANNERS
- To the woman behind me in line at the grocery store who asked if she could go first because she only had a few things compared to my full cart and she was running late to bring her daughter to ballet class: No… and wipe that scowl off your face. I have places to go too. Occasionally when I’m feeling particularly altruistic I will offer to let a body scoot in front of me, but if I don’t offer, don’t ask. I don’t care if your daughter is Dame Margot Fonteyn, her ballet class is not more important TO ME than whatever I’m doing next.
- To the guy in front of me with the blue-tooth device implanted in the area of his skull behind his ear: Hand the divider thingee to the person behind you (me) and if you don’t, do not stare me down and get annoyed when I accidentally knock over your two liter bottle of Dr.Pepper as I strain awkwardly across your stash of groceries in an effort to grab the thingee myself. By the way, no one is beneath the task of bagging one’s own groceries so if no bagger is present, do it yourself. Chances are you take your groceries out of the bags when you get home, so put away your cell phone and put them into the bags yourself. I promise it won’t kill you.
BASEBALL SPECTATOR MANNERS
- To the guy sitting in front of me at my son’s game yesterday: First of all, I am sorry I snapped, “Thanks for the balk lesson.” However, please note the following: 1) you have no idea what constitutes a balk and even if you did; 2) I wasn’t talking to you; 3) I solicited neither your opinion nor input; so 4) learn to mind your business.
That’s all for today.