Hey Buddy, Can You Spare a Square?

Pre-moistened towelettes – you know, the kind you use to wipe your bum – are wildly popular these days. In fact they are so popular, waste water officials claim they’re to blame for clogging pipes and creating wide-spread sewer back-ups across the nation. Even the flushable kind. If you thought the NSA eavesdropping on your phone calls was unsettling, think again. This sewer crisis is so severe in some areas that local government officials have taken to setting sewer traps to track who is using toilet paper and who is using pre-moistened towelettes to wipe their bums. I’m not sure what they’re doing with this information, but I’m sure it involves some sort of penalty. It used to be the bathroom was the one place you could count on for privacy. Not anymore. You probably think this is some bizarre, un-funny joke, but it’s not. It’s really happening and it’s Sheryl Crow’s fault.

In 2007, Sheryl Crow, the self- appointed toilet-paper-consumption watch dog, toured the U.S. aboard her bio-fuel-propelled bus on a mission to conserve trees and eliminate global climate change one single-ply sheet of toilet paper at a time.

  • I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. ( “Sheryl Crow’s Country Move a Trojan horse for Toilet Paper Stance,” May 30, 2013)

Am I the only one who thinks this is weird? I haven’t liked Sheryl Crow since she broke up Lance Armstrong’s marriage and now I like her even less. Nobody is going to tell me how to wipe my bum. Surprisingly though, the one-square-per- sitting technique is nothing new. In fact, hunters, hikers and other outdoor enthusiasts who, on occasion, find themselves in short supply of toilet paper have been employing this method of hygiene for decades. Here’s how it works.

EEEWWWWW!  No wonder people are switching to pre-moistened towelettes. The whole things feels like an ill-advised prank gone terribly awry, but it’s not. Sewers are backing up and it’s Sheryl Crow’s fault.

Sheryl Crow is such a whack job when it comes to wasting toilet paper that she  spent the better part of 2013 parlaying herself onto the country music scene. I know what you’re thinking. What does country music have to do with toilet paper? Apparently country music fans are the largest consumers of toilet paper in the United States. While I have not been able to substantiate this claim, a  source close to the singer reports, “The country music demographic consumes about 8 million squares of toilet paper a day. That’s 22% more than hip hop fans, and 18% more than rock fans. Sheryl feels if she can reduce the amount of toilet paper used by country consumers, it would make a difference of about 1 1/2-degrees in temperature of the oceanic sea levels.  ( “Sheryl Crow’s Country Move a Trojan horse for Toilet Paper Stance,” May 30, 2013). My guess is it must be all those collard greens and sweet tea.

Sheryl’s plan is to use this first album to establish herself as a country music star. Once she lays the groundwork and captures the admiration of country music fans, she’ll begin the indoctrination process with a hard-hitting single called Can You Spare a Square? Oddly enough it will be a duet with Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. If it backfires, I suppose she can record a duet with this guy…

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