Just Say No No to NeNe

Set your DVR for 8 PM on Mondays and Tuesdays because Dancing with the Stars kicks off season 18 next week. In case you’re wondering, they bypassed me…AGAIN, but I’m not bitter or anything. Anyway, here’s my take on this year’s line-up of celebrity dancers.

Meryl Davis

Meryl Davis

Let’s start with the obvious. Artistic sport athletes have a history of success on DWTS (gymnast, Shawn Johnson and figure skaters, Evan Lysecek and Kristi Yamaguchi to name a few) which, incidentally, is why I deserve a chance to be on the show, but more importantly it’s why my money’s on Meryl Davis and Charlie White to coast straight through to the finals.

Charlie White

Charlie White

The Sochi Olympic Ice Dancing champs have been skating together for nearly two decades. Since they won’t be partners on the show, I’ll need a few weeks to gauge which half of this dynamic duo has the competitive edge before I’m willing to predict the winner.

Joining Meryl and Charlie in the top three will be either U.S. Paralympic Team member, Amy Purdy or NHL star, Sean Avery. A double amputee and a raucous hockey player may seem unlikely candidates to win a dance contest. However, as you may recall from Season 4 when speed skater, Apolo Ohno added the mirror ball trophy to his stash of Olympic medals, figure skaters aren’t the only ones who can dance. Even so, I think Amy has the advantage over Sean.

Sean Avery

Sean Avery

Amy Purdy

Amy Purdy

First, anybody who’s lost both legs to meningitis and has the guts to hop on a snowboard is guaranteed to kick @ss on the dance floor. Plus, who doesn’t LOVE triumph over adversity? She’ll have the viewers pulling for her even if she’s a lousy dancer. (Did I mention I’m overcoming a nagging hip injury?)

When you see Candace Cameron Bure (Full House), Drew Carey (stand-up comedian), Danica McKellar (The Wonder Years) and Billy Dee Williams (Lady Sings the BluesMahoganyStar Wars Trilogy) hit the dance floor, I guarantee the first thing that’ll pop into your head is Oh yeah, I remember them. It’s doubtful any one of them has the dance skills necessary to hang around for the long haul, but I am confident the combination of name recognition and loyal fan base is enough to keep them afloat through week five. It’ll be interesting to see who goes when, but my bet is funny man of the bunch, Drew Carey, will be the last man standing or, in this case, dancing. (Not to brag, but I have a few fans of my own – you know, people who recognize me in the grocery store and say Oh yeah, I remember you, you’re that lady who writes the funny blog.)

Candace Cameron Bure

Candace Cameron Bure

Drew Carey

Drew Carey

Danica McKellar

Danica McKellar

Billy Dee Williams

Billy Dee William

Cody Simpson

Cody Simpson

What do Diana NyadCody Simpson and James Maslow have in common? If your answer is you don’t know because you’ve never heard of them… DINGDINGDING… you’re correct! Cody Simpson is a 17 year old Australian pop star whose claim to fame is amassing 12-million Twitter and Facebook followers. That’s roughly 11,999,448 more than me, but does that render one DWTS-worthy? Okay so he has really nice hair.

James Maslow

James Maslow photo credit Jean Claude

James Maslow is a member of Big Time Rush, the American boy band introduced in a Nickelodeon television series of the same name back in 2009. Big Time Rush is very popular in Europe, Asia and Latin America, but doesn’t get much airtime in the United States, which makes sense since I didn’t recognize a single one of their songs I sampled on iTunes. But he has really nice hair.

Diana Nyad

Diana Nyad

Diana Nyad etched herself a place in history in September of 2013, when she became the first person to complete a 110-mile swim from Cuba to Key West. It took her five different attempts, but she did it and that’s pretty amazing. Even though her hair took a beating from prolonged exposure to salt water, she’s my dark horse. While I don’t completely understand the value in swimming non-stop from Cuba to Key West (unless, of course, you’re defecting), I have to admit anybody with that level of tenacity and determination has a shot at going the distance – even if the other guys do have really nice hair.

Finally, it’s become a Dancing with the Stars tradition for the celebrity line-up to include a wannabe or if you invoke the politically correct term: reality television personality. Most of the time it’s unpleasant to watch these folks dance and they generally possess no talent WHATSOEVER. This agitates me to no end since 1) I really, really, REALLY want to be on Dancing with the Stars, 2) I actually can dance and I really, really, REALLY want to be on Dancing with the Stars and 3) I am a mildly famous, above-average-talent mommy-blogging humorist and advice dispenser with a combined Facebook, Twitter and WordPress following of 552 (and I really, really, REALLY want to be on Dancing with the Stars).

NeNe Leakes

NeNe Leakes

Season 18 is bound to be the worst one EVER because representing the reality television genre is none other than the most abrasive person in the entire galaxy, NeNe REAL HOUSEWIFE OF ATLANTA Leakes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

First off, contrary to what BRAVO would have us believe, NeNe is not a real housewife. She has neither cleaned the requisite number of toilets nor cooked enough meals to earn that rank and title. On top of that, she doesn’t even live in Atlanta. She lives in Alpharetta or Johns Creek or Duluth or somewhere up there, but CERTAINLY nowhere close enough to the city of Atlanta to lay claim to it. Sheesh. I’m not bitter or anything, but WILL THE REAL HOUSEWIFE OF ATLANTA PLEASE STAND UP? This was clearly my year. They should have picked me. NeNe is an imposter, a cheap imitiation of the real thing and she stole my gig.

I suppose you have to give credit where credit is due. Cat fighting and conjugating the F-word aside, NeNe’s managed to parlay a complete lack of discernible talent into quite a lucrative career. I just hope somebody told her there’s no pole dancing in ballroom and you have to keep your clothes on.

I really, really REALLY hope she’s the first to go so do me a favor, will you? Just say no no to NeNe.

**All photos courtesy of Yahoo News unless otherwise noted.**

© 2014 Just Another Ordinary Day by Antoinette Datoc

3 thoughts on “Just Say No No to NeNe

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